Today, I want to address a topic that has a profound impact on many of us: coercive control. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling manipulated, intimidated, or terrorized—even after you’ve parted ways with your ex—you might be dealing with this insidious form of abuse.
Coercive control is a silent, persistent force that can continue to haunt us long after the physical separation is over. For us, as moms who’ve bravely faced psychological, spiritual, verbal, emotional abuse, and intimate partner terrorism, coercive control is another layer of manipulation that aims to undermine our sense of self and autonomy.
One of the most heart-wrenching tactics is using our children against us. They might manipulate situations to paint us as the “bad parent” or fill our children’s minds with lies to turn them against us. It’s the deliberate scheduling conflicts, the false allegations to justify supervised visits, or even the subtle digs that make our kids question our love and stability. This tactic isn’t just cruel; it’s designed to cut us to the core, leveraging the deep bond we have with our children as a weapon against us.
Here you are trying to move forward, to rebuild your life, only to find that the very person you’re trying to distance yourself from is still pulling the strings. This form of control can manifest in various ways—maybe it’s through financial manipulation, where you’re dragged into endless petty court hearings designed to crush you financially. It’s the false allegations that force you to pay for supervised visits, draining your resources and adding another layer of stress and heartache. It’s the manipulation that twists your own words and actions to make you doubt your reality, leaving you questioning each step you take.
It’s the ex who continues to dictate our actions and decisions through subtle or overt threats, with every text or message carefully crafted to throw us off balance. These communications aren’t just innocent words; they’re calculated strategies to keep us unsettled and guessing, making us feel like we’re constantly walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next wave of manipulation will hit.
Every message or text, though it may seem innocent to outsiders, is often an attempt to turn your mind upside down. These communications are calculated to unsettle you, to make you question your actions and your worth. From the outside, it might just seem like communication, but we know it’s a strategic effort to keep you off balance and under control.
**The Impact of Coercive Control:**
This type of abuse can deeply affect your mental and emotional health. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and a sense of helplessness. Post-separation coercive control can make healing incredibly challenging, as it keeps you entangled in the abuser’s web of manipulation. Public smearing is a common tactic, where your ex spreads false rumors or embarrassing information about you to isolate you from your support network. They add false information to already hard circumstances because they can get away with it, making you feel more alone and vulnerable.
Coercive control thrives on making you feel powerless, isolated, and doubting yourself. It’s designed to strip away your confidence. Even in our moments of triumph, there’s often a lingering fear, a whisper of doubt planted by someone who seeks to control us from a distance. Especially when we think nobody else sees the abuse we are enduring.
We have to start speaking up, mommas.
**Unmasking and Breaking Coercive Control:**
1. **Recognize the Patterns:** The first step to breaking coercive control is recognizing it. Understand that this behavior is not normal and is a form of abuse. Document every instance, no matter how small it seems. Keep a record of texts, emails, and any other forms of communication that demonstrate a pattern of manipulation.
2. **Educate Yourself and Others:** Knowledge is power. Educate yourself about coercive control and share this knowledge with others. The more we talk about it, the less power it has. When we bring these behaviors to light, we can start to dismantle the control they have over us.
3. **Legal Protection:** Seek legal advice to understand your rights. Laws around coercive control are evolving, and having a knowledgeable attorney can help you navigate the legal system and protect yourself from further abuse. This might include restraining orders or modifications to custody arrangements.
4. **Set Boundaries:** Establish and maintain firm boundaries. Decide how and when you will communicate with your ex, and stick to those boundaries. Use tools like parallel parenting apps that can monitor and document communications to prevent manipulation.
5. **Gather Evidence:** Collect and organize evidence of coercive control. This can be crucial if you need to present your case in court. Evidence can include witness statements, recorded incidents, or professional assessments from therapists or counselors who understand coercive control.
6. **Support Networks:** While the focus here is on unmasking coercive control, having a support network is essential. Connect with other moms who have faced similar challenges. Sharing experiences can provide validation and practical advice on dealing with coercive control.
By unmasking coercive control, we strip away its power and shine a light on the dark tactics used to manipulate and control us. This journey is about reclaiming our lives, asserting our dignity, and breaking free from the invisible chains that try to hold us back. You are not alone in this fight, and together, we can expose this abuse for what it truly is and take steps toward a life of freedom and peace.